2003
2010
Ever have a life altering thing happen and you know you will never be the same but the true impact of the event (the good and bad) will not be clear until years later?
Lately I have been seeing for the first time since my life altering event some of the consequential changes in me.
This on-going realization process all started about a year ago when Dave and I went up to Park City as usual for our anniversary. We were driving through the rural farm area and I had a realization.... the thought came to me and I wondered aloud... "when did I lose control?" Dave asked what in the world I was talking about and so I explained... When did I lose control over what I was becoming? I have been thinking about this question ever since. The answer I came up with kind of surprised me. I mean, I knew this major life event had altered me but I did not realize that it had changed who I essentially was. In many ways I have lost myself.
You see,
I used to be:
carefree
organized
energetic
fit
motivated
thin
girly
active
pontaneous
overly free-spirited
illogical
And I used to:
Take things for granted
Love to get all dolled up to go out
have an immaculately clean house and car
love to run
enjoy going out with friends
enjoy being creative
love going out with my husband
put myself first
spoil my husband
have a finite perspective and a I want it now attitude
Now I have become:
appreciative
over-weight
disorganized
tired
practical to a fault
grateful
empathic
non-judgemental
frumpy
calculated
lazy (for lack of a better word)
unmotivated
I Now:
stay home
HATE getting dolled up
never take care of myself
never make time for myself
put what little energy I have into my kids
neglect my husband
carry with me a eternal perspective and a "not my will but thine" attitude
It has become apparent that this event has changed me both positively and negatively. The new question I have been pondering is "Will I let this event FOREVER change me?"
There are the positive changes that I would like to keep such as:
the change in my perspective
my desire for my will to directly align with the lords
my empathy
the love and appreciation I have for being a mother
how content i am just to spend time at home
how practicality is actually a word in my vocabulary
how I now put others needs above my own
However there are many changes I would like to reverse.
I would like to re-learn how to:
spoil my husband
love exercise
organize my life
make time for myself
take care of myself
become fit and thin
re-gain a positive body image
to socialize
So what does all this deep analysis amount too?
I have decided that I want to become an active participant in my own life. I want to decide what I am becoming instead of letting life just have it's way with me!
It may take years but I am now on a quest to find myself and to BECOME what I want to be.
I am going to start by making time for me.
I think the first step is daily exercise....
Here it goes.....
Wish me luck
Hopefully a better and more complete me is just around the corner!
