For Our Amazing K and T....

I came across this article by Jane Devin today that touched me deeply.

Every once in a while I get asked why K and I's birthmothers "gave them up" or even harder for me to hear "didn't want them".

(Please know that I understand why people ask these questions but I have the advantage of knowing our birthmothers intimately and the love they feel for these precious babies is insurpassable!)

I haven't been able to come up with what I felt was an adequate and fair answer to this question until now. Here is my new answer word for word the way Jane Devin wrote it. Thanks Jane... your words are trully inspired.

There Is No Shame in Surrender

By Jane Devin on January 29th, 2008

Please listen.

There is no shame in understanding that it’s too much, or in recognizing your limitations.

There is no shame in giving your child up for adoption.

Please don’t let shame be your weakness, or let it decide your child’s fate. Those eyes that surround you, whether at school, at work, or at the family table, cannot see into your future. They are not the ones who have to be emotionally, financially, and physically responsible for a child.

They will not be there for the all-night crying jags, the teething pains, or the earaches. They will not be the ones responsible for bottles, diapers, doctor visits, or daycare. That will be you, and chances are, only you.

There is no shame in knowing that you are not ready. Maybe you are too young. Maybe your temperament does not yet have the patience necessary to parent. Maybe your financial situation is unstable with no promise of a quick or easy recovery. Maybe there are dreams you’ve yet to fulfill that you would regret forgoing if you stopped to raise a child. Maybe this is just the wrong time, or you’re with the wrong partner.

You, and more importantly, your child, do not have to be the victims of circumstance. You can, instead, gather your courage and strength, face your own truths and reality, and with no small amount of pride, you can surrender.

You can surrender knowing that no matter how other people in your life question your decision, or how they may judge you, you have made a decision based on the the purest,and most unselfish kind of love. You, through adoption, have given your child the ultimate gift — a secure home with people who are excited about being parents — who will love your child and provide him or her with stability and every opportunity for happiness.

Maybe you didn’t have that kind of happiness growing up. Maybe you imagine that all that love you have stored up inside will make up for everything else.

Please know — and this is a hard, hard truth — it doesn’t.

Love cannot buy you the time it takes to care for a child. It cannot provide a paycheck that will cover your expenses. At three in the morning, when your child is crying, love does not buy you patience. At three in the afternoon, when you’re bone tired, it won’t buy you a much needed rest. When you want to go out at night — when you need to have some fun — love will not buy you a babysitter.

Love is not a cure for desperation. A child’s love, as defenseless and unconditional as it is, will not fix the broken pieces of a life. Having a child is not a cure for sadness, loneliness, or depression.

No matter how many others in your life are excited about your pregnancy — no matter how many declarations of love, baby showers and well-wishes there are while you are pregnant — eventually you will be left alone with a helpless infant. One who is totally dependent on you 24 hours a day. One who will be dependent on you for many years, not just for love, but for every single thing in their existence.

If you are not ready for that, if you are not prepared, there’s no shame in surrender.

There’s no shame in surrender when they are newly born, or even when they are months old.

There is no shame in picking up the phone and saying –

I need help. I thought I could do this, but it’s too much. I can’t.

Somewhere, there are loving, patient, ready arms waiting to hold that child. Somewhere in your heart is the courage to surrender what you created so that he or she can have the best life possible.

There is no shame in surrender. Only in hanging on past the point of reason. Beyond the point of love.

I am so greatful that T and K were realisitic when deciding what was best for their children.

They took responsibility and acted in LOVE.

This selfless, realistic, love amazes me.

It gave them courage to do the unthinkable.

More than anything else we owe these birthmothers our support and deep respect and love!

Thank you for reading the rants of a very passionate adoptive mom!