Me... Then and Now

2003

2010

Ever have a life altering thing happen and you know you will never be the same but the true impact of the event (the good and bad) will not be clear until years later?

Lately I have been seeing for the first time since my life altering event some of the consequential changes in me.

This on-going realization process all started about a year ago when Dave and I went up to Park City as usual for our anniversary. We were driving through the rural farm area and I had a realization.... the thought came to me and I wondered aloud... "when did I lose control?" Dave asked what in the world I was talking about and so I explained... When did I lose control over what I was becoming? I have been thinking about this question ever since. The answer I came up with kind of surprised me. I mean, I knew this major life event had altered me but I did not realize that it had changed who I essentially was. In many ways I have lost myself.

You see,

I used to be:

carefree

organized

energetic

fit

motivated

thin

girly

active

pontaneous

overly free-spirited

illogical

And I used to:

Take things for granted

Love to get all dolled up to go out

have an immaculately clean house and car

love to run

enjoy going out with friends

enjoy being creative

love going out with my husband

put myself first

spoil my husband

have a finite perspective and a I want it now attitude

Now I have become:

appreciative

over-weight

disorganized

tired

practical to a fault

grateful

empathic

non-judgemental

frumpy

calculated

lazy (for lack of a better word)

unmotivated

I Now:

stay home

HATE getting dolled up

never take care of myself

never make time for myself

put what little energy I have into my kids

neglect my husband

carry with me a eternal perspective and a "not my will but thine" attitude

It has become apparent that this event has changed me both positively and negatively. The new question I have been pondering is "Will I let this event FOREVER change me?"

There are the positive changes that I would like to keep such as:

the change in my perspective

my desire for my will to directly align with the lords

my empathy

the love and appreciation I have for being a mother

how content i am just to spend time at home

how practicality is actually a word in my vocabulary

how I now put others needs above my own

However there are many changes I would like to reverse.

I would like to re-learn how to:

spoil my husband

love exercise

organize my life

make time for myself

take care of myself

become fit and thin

re-gain a positive body image

to socialize

So what does all this deep analysis amount too?

I have decided that I want to become an active participant in my own life. I want to decide what I am becoming instead of letting life just have it's way with me!

It may take years but I am now on a quest to find myself and to BECOME what I want to be.

I am going to start by making time for me.

I think the first step is daily exercise....

Here it goes.....

Wish me luck

Hopefully a better and more complete me is just around the corner!