Happy Birthday...

Happy 8th Birthday Baby Girl! 

Mommy loves you, and misses you too!

Just Another Manic SUNDAY...

Typical Morning...

reliving our sea world adventures...

ps... if you make it to the end of the video you will see my .2 sec debut... the boys made me wear the hat to keep me from getting wet since i was sitting in the "soak zone" lol!

PLEASE TAKE TIME TO UNDERSTAND....

A Nickles Worth of Common Sense posted this blog post on Tuesday, June 29, 2010

"Why Openness?

Why do I believe in open contact even when families are dysfunctional, addicted or even actively participating in criminal acts?

Because I believe it's best for my kids.  I took my son to meet his biological father in a Federal Prison.  Was that easy?  Of course not.  It was scary and overwhelming and slightly nauseating, and that was just for ME, I cannot fathom what he was feeling, but it was still totally the right thing to do.

Why?  Because my son wanted to.  Because it's his truth and his reality.  Because he has a right to love his parent even if I would rather my kids never talked to anyone who has ever used drugs in their entire lives.

Because he needed to know with his own ears that he was loved BY THEM.

My love, my overabundant, over whelming, huge amount of pure lovefor my kids cannot erase their need and desire to be loved by their original parents.

And he needed to know it and hear it at five and six and eight and thirteen, not at 18 or 21 or whatever random age the state told him he was allowed to know.   Because he needed to know, for real, that I respected his needs more than I worried about my own insecurities.   Because he needed to see that I LIKED his biological parents good parts in order to truly believe deep down that I loved all of him too.

How could I deny him that?  How could I deny my child ANYTHING he needed even if that means I get really, really uncomfortable.

Is it easy dealing with things that I have absolutely ZERO life experience dealing with?  No.  Honestly, I never thought I would be traipsing to prisons to visit people important to my kids.  I never, ever fathomed that I would EVER have a police officer drop by to retrieve stolen property during a visit with anyone in my life EVER.  I didn't fathom a life where I had to explain to children why the person we are visiting once hurt them, and why it's ok to be angry at someone and then still be ok to love them.  I didn't expect to be comfortable explaining mental illness to a six year old or the effects of sexual promiscuity to a ten year old.

I have never so much as smoked a cigarette in my life so I never really thought I would have to understand intimately the power of addiction and its affect on my children.

But you know I really, really love my kids.  And they are really, really amazing kids and they are really, really worth it.

I understand that some would use any of the ample excuses at my disposal as a reason to close an adoption.   Run-ins with the police, active addiction, inappropriate gifts, uncomfortable situations, angry family members, criminal activities are all reasons we hear for closing up relationships.  My kids first parents live complicated, confusing, difficult lives.  That I do not deny. And I love them.

I love them because I see in their eyes the beauty that is my children.  I see that with a different life and different choices and different supports they could have and would have and most importantly SHOULD HAVE been safe parents to our children.  I see pain and broken hearts and hurting people.  And I see parents.  Parents who have little to give other than love, and that's ok with me.

These complicated, difficult people who make horrible choices in many areas of their lives treat me, and our family, with respect.  I don't know why they do, but they do.  So I trust them to love their children, our children, my children within the boundaries that are safe.  And they do.  And if ever we are not treated in a why I wish we were, I forget easily, forgive quickly and explain endlessly our boundaries.

Yesterday, after all the craziness of puppies and police, I watched my two year old be snuggled by her other mother.  The woman from whom she inherited her beautiful smile and striking eyes.  The woman from whom she inherited a curiosity that cannot be stated.  The woman who created her.  And that woman, that mother, said over and over again "I love you!  I love you!  I love you".

My two year old who can't sit still longer than 40 seconds may not value those words today, but I know she would one day feel their absence intimately.   She may never know what it costs both of the mothers sitting in that room to forge a relationship together, but she will know she was loved deeply by both of us.

And that is a good enough reason for me."

 original post found at http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html

The Beach Hotel...

we took the fam to san diego and spent 9 days playing at the beach.
as it turns out, all 4 of my boys LOVE the beach!

we had a blast
hanging out together
playing in the
sand
water
and
 pool
watching TONS of movies
and
eating DELICIOUS food.

HEAVEN!!!

the roughest part of the trip was for sure the plane rides but we fared surprisingly well, though next time we will definitely be driving!

Ike, the story Part 2:

well, after t texted me i couldn't go to sleep i was too excited! we were in the same state and we were going to go see her. i figured if i couldn't sleep dave shouldn't be sleeping either so i woke him up to tell him the news.... i probably should have waited to tell him.... his excitment was much more evident the next morning!

so the next day took we dinner over to her, antwann, her boyfriend, and her son lawarren. it was so much fun to just hang out with them. keanon and lawarren are VERY similar and get along great. the best part though was seeing isaiah sit on his mama tyhese's lap.

Part 1 1/2: My new Post-Ike Reality

have you ever found yourself taking important things for granted?
even worse, not remembering that you have been blessed at all?

i have gotten so caught up in the daily grind and just "surviving" that i have forgotten to stop and take time to remember all the amazing blessings i have.

for example... i was wasting time on facebook today and a adoptive family i know announced that they were just recently chosen by a birth mom to adopt her baby. this will be their 3rd child. for an instant i got jealous and thought why can't i be like that?

that is when i realized that i had truly lost it!

i AM like that.

i have 3 beautiful babies... the last of which found us instead of us having to find him. now that is a true miracle.

i have lost touch with my reality.

i have often read other women's blogs and thought i wish i could do that or i wish that would happen to me and forget to recognize all the amazing things i have been given.

i think that the reason i so easily forget is not because i am not grateful but because i don't concentrate on the wonderful things in my life.

i realize now that most of my energy lately has been spent on how "difficult" life can be. if i spent less energy thinking about the negitive in my life 

why i had a bad day or how i didn't get enough sleep or how the laundry never ends or how the house never stay clean or how my husband is "always" working
and more time focused on the positive
3 beautiful children, a wonderful husband who has a job he loves, great family, beautiful home, health and the gospel,
i think i could re-find my joy.

so, inorder to change my "poor me" thinking i have decided that i need put the emphasis of my life back on the positive.

but how?

i have decided to start with these three steps:

think about

document

and celebrate 

MY positive

and what more convinient place to "documet" the positive than here?

so on to Ike: part deux. FINALLY!

Delish!

isn't he???

Part 2 of his story coming as soon as I catch my breath, I promise!

This 3 kids thing has me a little off my game... but I am loving it!

Ike, the story Part 1:

so tonight is the night... the night i start writing down isaacs adoption story because well, one: inquisitive minds want to know, and two: i am quite sleep deprived and i don't want to forget any of the details...

it started from an innocent 3 am text near the middle of september 2010... not too uncommon as i do my best conversing at night... with isaiah's birth mother tyhese. she had been texting me the last few days from a 801 area code but since she often has pre-paid cellphones i didn't think much of it.

i asked her if she would ever want to see isaiah again she lives on the opposite side of the country so we haven't seen here since she went home a few days after isaiah's placement or if it would be too hard. she told me that she would love to see us again and asked me what i would say if she told me she was here in utah.

i told her that i would be "over the moon excited" and asked her how soon we could come see her.

then i asked the obvious question... "what are you doing here?" that is when i got the text that would eventually change our family forever...

she said she was 6 months pregnant with another boy and she was here to place him for adoption. my first thought and response was "who is the lucky family?" looking back now i feel kind of stupid but at the time having another child was the LAST thing on my mind.. i still had a baby... zaiah was only 14 months old.

i was in shock!

well, she texted back and told me that she hadn't picked one yet and that she wasn't due until the middle of december so she had plenty of time to choose. i was so excited to be able to take zaiah to see her that i didn't even think much about why she was here... hey, don't criticize me... it was 3 am after all and like i said i was in total shock!

Watch for part 2 tomorrow....

PS: just for eye candy and to make sure you actually come back tomorrow....

isn't he delish?

Surprise!!!!

Isaac Warren McKenna was born Tuesday November 30th at 7:52 AM.

He weighed in at 6 lbs 12 oz and is 19 in long.

Isn't he precious?????

He was born at 36 weeks so he is spending a little spa time in the NICU.

Hope to have him home soon!

More details to come....

It just hurts....

Blah Blah Blah.... nothing seems to cut it...

even a blessed solid nights sleep

(thanks to 1/2 of one of Dave's muscle relaxing sleepy pills)

a sneak attack to my heart

almost forgot how hard it can be

(guess I can be greatful for that)

Miss you baby girl

Mama loves you

It's the little things...

that give us purpose in life....

like picking up a pair of cherished and WELL worn cowboy boots hastily taken off and left in the middle of the kitchen floor by one very adorable all though very BUSY 4 year old. Tonight I felt very lucky to have those little boots and a fair amount of other miscellaneous items left laying around by said 4 year old to put away. for the 75th time, incase you were wondering

My new Happy Place.....

Our Main Bathroom is Finally Finished!!!!

Me... Then and Now

2003

2010

Ever have a life altering thing happen and you know you will never be the same but the true impact of the event (the good and bad) will not be clear until years later?

Lately I have been seeing for the first time since my life altering event some of the consequential changes in me.

This on-going realization process all started about a year ago when Dave and I went up to Park City as usual for our anniversary. We were driving through the rural farm area and I had a realization.... the thought came to me and I wondered aloud... "when did I lose control?" Dave asked what in the world I was talking about and so I explained... When did I lose control over what I was becoming? I have been thinking about this question ever since. The answer I came up with kind of surprised me. I mean, I knew this major life event had altered me but I did not realize that it had changed who I essentially was. In many ways I have lost myself.

You see,

I used to be:

carefree

organized

energetic

fit

motivated

thin

girly

active

pontaneous

overly free-spirited

illogical

And I used to:

Take things for granted

Love to get all dolled up to go out

have an immaculately clean house and car

love to run

enjoy going out with friends

enjoy being creative

love going out with my husband

put myself first

spoil my husband

have a finite perspective and a I want it now attitude

Now I have become:

appreciative

over-weight

disorganized

tired

practical to a fault

grateful

empathic

non-judgemental

frumpy

calculated

lazy (for lack of a better word)

unmotivated

I Now:

stay home

HATE getting dolled up

never take care of myself

never make time for myself

put what little energy I have into my kids

neglect my husband

carry with me a eternal perspective and a "not my will but thine" attitude

It has become apparent that this event has changed me both positively and negatively. The new question I have been pondering is "Will I let this event FOREVER change me?"

There are the positive changes that I would like to keep such as:

the change in my perspective

my desire for my will to directly align with the lords

my empathy

the love and appreciation I have for being a mother

how content i am just to spend time at home

how practicality is actually a word in my vocabulary

how I now put others needs above my own

However there are many changes I would like to reverse.

I would like to re-learn how to:

spoil my husband

love exercise

organize my life

make time for myself

take care of myself

become fit and thin

re-gain a positive body image

to socialize

So what does all this deep analysis amount too?

I have decided that I want to become an active participant in my own life. I want to decide what I am becoming instead of letting life just have it's way with me!

It may take years but I am now on a quest to find myself and to BECOME what I want to be.

I am going to start by making time for me.

I think the first step is daily exercise....

Here it goes.....

Wish me luck

Hopefully a better and more complete me is just around the corner!

tonight at our house you will find...

dirty dinner dishes still in the sink

unfinished laundry on the stairs

two sleeping angels

cold stone ice cream

gotta have it size ofcorse

me and my bates cuddled up on the couch

watching TWISTER for the first time in years

ahh the simple things...

On Being a Chosen Mom...

As I sit here tonight after an especially rough "mom" day.... I think of my little men tuck in bed sleeping soundly and I cry.

They are worth the helpless feeling I have almost become accustomed too.

You see, motherhood is a tough honor.

It comes with no definitive answers or instruction manual.

And, for a woman who likes knowing the end from the beginning, the task of raising my precious little ones without an answer key often seems down right overwhelming.

Don't get me wrong....

I LOVE being a mother....

and I waited along time to be chosen to be one.

I just feel so under qualified.

I am humbled by their birth mothers faith in me as a mother.

I want to do right by them and by K and I.

But I often feel that I am falling short.

I would give anything for my babies and their birth mothers...

I just hope I can become equal to the faith they placed in me.

The Playset, SwingSet, or Slide

It's Dave here making my annual blog post. I'm not much of a blogger. I rarely post information about my personal life, although I do occasionally read other people's posts about their personal lives. I am only posting this because my sister requested it.

As many of you know, my wife had this "great" idea about getting an "Easter" playset for the kids. I was quite skeptical at first, but then finally agreed to go along with it. So, the shopping began. (Online shopping of course from the comfort of the couch.) The plan was to make the big purchase once we got the good old tax return back and shoot for an Easter unveiling. Fortunately, we got our tax return back much sooner than we expected. Unfortunately, "our" first priority was to buy the playset. This was mid-February, aka the dead of winter in Utah. So, the "Easter" playset which comes packaged as 10,000 different parts, soon became "K's birthday" playset. Excellent, I had a week to build it. I am a big fan of Legos and the "some-assembly-required" products for children. If you build it yourself then it costs less right? Wrong! Not when there are 10,000 - 100,000 pieces, it's the dead of winter, the dog's have pooped on every single inch of the backyard over the winter and it gets really cold once the sun goes down.

Sorry to make this such a long story. Well, thanks to my father-in-law, brother and cousin we finished this bad boy on K's birthday. Now I present to you K's Birthday Slide (that's what he calls it).

It is a thing of beauty, and yes it was a "great" idea. I've had a change of heart. K loves it along with all his friends and cousins.

Getting SOOOO Big....

Good Luckin' Charms....

Happy St. Patricks Day All!!!

Living the Dream....